Tag Archives: asexual spectrum

Asexuality and Aromanticism are Spectrums

So unless you spend a lot of time hanging out in asexual and/or aromantic circles online or in person, you probably think that asexuality and aromanticism are narrow categories of orientation: either you’re asexual or allosexual, aromantic or alloromantic. I want to clarify that asexuality and aromanticism are both spectrums of identity.

The asexual spectrum includes: asexuality, demisexuality, and gray-asexuality.

The aromantic spectrum includes: aromanticism, demiromanticism, and gray-aromanticism.

I’ve already written a fairly thorough 101 post about demisexuality and gray-asexuality that you can find over here, but let’s briefly review how they differ from full-blown asexuality.

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Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction and/or directed sexual desire, meaning that they do not feel an involuntary desire to have partnered sex with other human beings for their own pleasure. They don’t have involuntary sexual thoughts and feelings about other people based on looks, personality, or any other quality.

Demisexuals can experience sexual attraction and desire for others but only after they’ve developed an emotional connection or attachment to someone, whether that attachment is romantic or nonromantic. Demisexuals are basically asexual until and unless they meet someone, get close to them, feel connected to them emotionally, and then at some point start to feel sexual attraction/desire for that person. They don’t experience sexual attraction/desire to strangers, celebrities, acquaintances, blind dates, people they think are good-looking but don’t know or don’t have any emotional connection to.

Gray-asexuals come in a variety of types: some gray-a’s rarely experience sexual attraction, some gray-a’s experience sexual attraction regularly or semi-regularly but rarely or never feel the desire to follow through and engage in partnered sex, some gray-a’s experience sexual attraction infrequently and are sex-repulsed, some gray-a’s can only experience sexual attraction to a partner during a kink session, some gray-a’s experience sexual attraction regularly but have no libido, some gray-a’s experience sexual attraction but don’t actually care about having sex enough to bother and are perfectly content to be celibate. People who experience sexual attraction regularly but are repulsed by partnered sex can also identify as gray-asexual, if they want to.

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Aromantic-spectrum identities correspond to the asexual-spectrum.

Aromantics do not experience romantic attraction or the desire to form normative romantic relationships with other people. (Note: like asexuals who end up in sexual relationships, aromantics can end up in romantic relationships, despite not having an ongoing and abstract interest in them. This is especially true for aromantic allosexuals, who can easily end up dating a sexual partner, even when they’re not romantically attracted to them.) For an in-depth exploration of aromanticism, please check out my Aromantic Primer.

Demiromantics can experience romantic attraction but only after they’ve developed an emotional attachment to someone. Basically, demiromantics only ever fall in love with people they’re already pretty good friends with. They’re not going to feel romantic attraction to a total stranger they aren’t close to, not even after 10 dates. The actual amount of time it takes a demiromantic person to feel romantic attraction to a friend varies by person and situation, just like sexual attraction does for demisexuals. Demiromantics may still only experience romantic feelings sporadically or rarely.

Gray-aromantics may: rarely experience romantic attraction, experience romantic attraction but feel repulsed by romantic relationships and never actually want to get involved in them, experience a kind of emotional attraction that cannot easily be defined as “romantic” or “nonromantic,” want queerplatonic or other gray-area relationships regardless of their attraction experience.

Subtypes of gray-aromantics also include WTFromantics and lithromantics. Lithromantics fall in love with people romantically but don’t actually want or need that romantic attraction to be reciprocated. They’re happy just to feel romantic attraction to someone, with nothing coming of it. “WTFromantic” is a term coined in the asexual community out of frustration with the whole “What is romantic attraction and how is it different from emotional attraction?” mystery. It basically describes people who can’t tell the difference between romantic attraction and nonromantic emotional attraction at all, not even enough to say “I’m definitely aromantic” as opposed to “I’m definitely romantic.” The whole concept of romantic attraction/love vs. nonromantic feelings/friendship just doesn’t compute to WTFromantic people, so they give up trying to figure it out and put themselves in an aromantic or romantic identity box.

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Filed under Aromanticism, Language & Terminology, The Basics, Visibility and Education

Clarification of Demisexuality and Gray-Asexuality

I’m suddenly in the mood to write a brief post offering clarity on those other sections of the asexual spectrum that I usually don’t write about because I’m totally ace. I hope this is helpful.

Demisexuality

People who are demisexual do not experience sexual attraction, unless it comes as a result of an emotional and/or romantic attachment. As always, the rate of their sexual attraction experience has nothing to do with their sex drive (which is the body’s craving for sexual stimulation or release) or the pattern of their romantic attractions or their sexual activity.

Some demisexuals can experience sexual attraction to people they’re emotional about but not romantically attracted to. As in: “I really care about my friend and all of a sudden, I’m feeling sexually attracted to them. But I don’t necessarily want to date them.”

Some demisexuals are capable of being sexually attracted to more than one person at a time: more than one friend, more than one romantic partner if they’re poly, a friend they really like and the person they’re dating, etc.

The actual frequency of sexual attraction for any given demisexual varies. The fact that their sexual attractions depend on a pre-existing emotional/romantic attachment doesn’t mean that every single emotional/romantic attachment they have results in sexual attraction. Please go back and read that again so you get it. There are probably demisexuals who DO experience sexual attraction to every person they’re romantically attached to, but there are also other demi’s who sometimes get the sexy component in romance and sometimes don’t.

What NEVER happens to a demisexual is sexual attraction/desire for someone they don’t know or aren’t close to. They are, effectively, asexual when interacting with strangers, acquaintances, even someone they’re casually dating but not close to yet, etc. They don’t sit there and sexually fantasize, get turned on by, or simply WANT sex with good-looking celebrities or the hot person at the store or their friend’s hot friend they’re meeting for the first time. They’re not going to feel sexual desire for someone they meet on a blind date, even if they do think that person is good-looking. They may even feel uncomfortable if strangers or people they don’t know well express sexual interest in them.

And the other thing is, the amount of time it takes a demisexual to develop sexual attraction to someone they are romantically attracted to also varies by person and by relationship. It’s not like a sexual attraction switch goes on the second a demi- becomes officially coupled to someone. It may take them weeks, months, a year or more. Even if the romantic feelings are in full swing.

Which also means that if a demi- is in a romantic relationship but hasn’t yet experienced sexual attraction to their partner, whether or not sex happens is quite possibly irrelevant to them. In the same way that it’s irrelevant to an asexual. A demisexual may agree to have sex with whoever they’re dating, sans sexual attraction, just because the other person wants it and the demi- is romantically attached to them…. But if it was totally up to the demi-, sex could be nonexistent in that relationship at that point (before their own sexual attraction/desire surfaces) and they would be 100% happy anyway.

Gray-Asexuality

There are a lot of possible expressions of this type of asexuality. Gray-A’s determine their identity by sexual attraction, sex drive, and attitudes toward having sex. A gray-a can be someone who:

  • does experience sexual attraction but has a very low sex drive or no sex drive at all
  • never or almost never experiences sexual attraction but does have a moderate to high sex drive (some of these individuals ID as gray and others just as ace)
  • rarely experiences sexual attraction and has a low or nonexistent sex drive
  • experiences sexual attraction rarely or sometimes but usually doesn’t care to pursue actual sex
  • experiences sexual attraction but is sex-repulsed
  • experiences sexual attraction only within a specific context and/or based on required elements

The point being, a gray-a is someone who’s more asexual than not, in comparison to the average allosexual person, even though the gray-a might experience sexual attraction.

Frequency of sexual attraction for gray-a’s can vary. Some might turn 30 and be able to count the number of times they’ve been sexually attracted to somebody on one hand. Some may experience sexual attraction more often than that but, as indicated above, rarely care enough to do something about it. A gray-a may be sexually attracted to a partner but not care if sex happens ever or feel satisfied by sex a few times a year.

A gray-a could be someone who never remotely bothers trying to access sex unless they’re already in a romantic relationship (because they don’t care), and if they’re single, sex has no influence over their interest or lack thereof in finding a romantic companion. A gray-a may be someone whose sexual attraction/desire exists only for a certain period of time of a romantic relationship’s duration and it has nothing to do with their romantic feelings. A gray-a might be someone who only experiences sexual attraction in connection to a kink they have (as in, when they’re in the middle of acting out a kink, they’re attracted to their partner, but the rest of time? Nope.) A gray-a might experience sexual attraction to specific person once or twice or for a certain period of time, but otherwise not feel it (even though it’s the same person and even if nothing about the connection changes).

A gray-a probably isn’t going to see sex as necessary to their happiness, to their romantic relationships, etc. Some of them could go years without sex and not care. Some of them could never have sex again and be cool with that. Some of them may really want sex on the rare (i.e. handful of times a year, few times in five-ten years, etc) occasions they feel attraction/desire but the rest of the time, the interest is totally absent.

A gray-a can strongly prefer celibacy, even if they’re the kind who occasionally experiences sexual attraction or even if they’re the kind with an active sex drive. There are a thousand reasons why they might have this preference. They may well be the type who’s uncomfortable, bored, or otherwise averse to sex whenever they’re not experiencing sexual attraction, which is most of the time. Or they could prefer to deal with their sex drive and/or sexual attraction to someone by masturbating instead of having sex with someone else.

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Filed under Celibate Asexuality, Language & Terminology, Sexuality, The Basics, Visibility and Education